Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Taylor Swift No Read List

Ever since Taylor Swift won a Grammy award, two separate things have occurred. First, my faith in the music industry has died a bloody violent death. Second, Taylor Swift has read a little more classical literature, and has continued to write generic songs about these hallowed work. However, Ms. Swift to retain her place in the pop culture ethos, will inevitably have to move past titles such as The Scarlet Letter and Romeo and Juliet. Below are a list of books that Taylor Swift should never read, you know, for the sake of humanity.

1. Hamlet - The world does not need a song whose lyrics are based around the phrase "To be, or not to be."

2. Othello - I fear that Ms. Swift would not realize that Iago in Othello is not the loud obnoxious bird from Aladdin. Copyright hell would ensue once the music video is released.

3. Oedipus Rex - No matter how much you think you want it, Taylor Swift should never write a song about someone wanting to have sex with their mother and then killing their father.

4. The Sheltering Sky - A Taylor Swift album should never tackle both marital issues and the ignorance of western culture. It would just create a thematic clash. Also, the tween audience wouldn't get it.

5. Pride and Prejudice - Because the last thing the world needs is another interpretation of Jane Austin's white girl problems.

6. Anything by William S. Burroughs - Look this man up on Wikipedia. Then search the document for "Shotgun William Tell." This takes no explanation.

7. Following that same line of logic, anything by Samuel Beckett - Because T. Swift does not need to be anymore confused about reality.

8. The Great Gatsby - Because a song entitled "Green Light" would make Fitzgerald role in his grave. Also, if the song hit number 1 on the charts, it would cause a remake of Gatsby to emerge. With Ms. Swift playing the role of Gatsby. Of course.

9. Everything That Rises Must Converge - Because I don't even want to fathom what a Southern Gothic Taylor Swift would be like.

10. Twilight - Concept album about vampire love wins a Grammy. Young college student cries himself to sleep. Full story at 11.

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